#bc that's how it goes when you experience things.
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Can you do that nsfw alphabet thing with kate?
NSFW ALPHABET HEADCANNONS
KATE MARTIN
A/N: did this one first bc it’s shorter and i’ve got stuff to do also this is lowk freaky i didn’t realise the prompts were like that my god
req still open - more fics coming soon!
A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
very affectionate and cuddly—will hold you close and run her fingers through your hair
likes to take care of the little things—fluffing pillows, getting blankets, water, or cloths.
B = Body part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
Kate would definitely be proud of her arms, especially after training.
Hips are a weakness for Kate—the curve of them and the way they fit in her hands (she loves to grip them during sex).
She loves your eyes and probably says cheesy stuff about how she could stare into them.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
loves the taste of it
Sharing cum with her partner is a major turn-on; she loves swapping it between their mouths in a messy kiss.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
She has a thing for being choked during sex even though she'd never admit it.
has a secret stash of porn on her phone that she watches to get herself off, mostly scenes that remind her of her and her partner
E = Experience (how experienced are they?) Do they know what they’re doing?
100% experienced and definitely knows what she’s doing but still gets nervous the first time with a new partner.
F = Favourite position (this goes without saying)
cowgirl She loves seeing you bounce up and down and can still have control over you.
or when you’re riding her face
G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)
for the most part serious but loves to tease her partner by playfully pinching or tickling you
prone to laughing during sex, especially if something unexpected happens
H = Hair (how well-groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
don’t really care about this one; it probably depends.
I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
Kate is incredibly affectionate during sex, peppering your face and neck with soft kisses and gentle nips. She wants to worship every inch of their body.
Eye contact is important to Kate; she holds your gaze as you have sex, pouring all her adoration and desire into her eyes.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
usually before bed or when she's feeling stressed It's a way for her to unwind and release tension.
She prefers to use her fingers.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
sensory deprivation—blindfolding you and teasing you with ice or her tongue until you’re desperate for more.
Kate has a thing for overstimulation, pushing you to the brink of pleasure and pain until you’re shaking and begging for release.
L = Location (favourite places to do the do)
Kate's favourite place to have sex is in the shower. She loves the feeling of hot water cascading over your naked bodies as you move together.
Kate adores lazy Sunday morning sex in bed, tangled in the sheets and trading slow, deep kisses.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
Dirty talk and praise from her partner get Kate going. Hearing them moan her name, beg for more, tell her how good she feels...
motivated by the desire to please, to give you mind-blowing pleasure, and make you feel worshipped.
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)
Kate dislikes when her partner is too passive or unresponsive. She wants them engaged, participating.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
Kate absolutely loves giving oral sex. She takes great pride in her skills and enjoys nothing more than going down on her partner.
She's patient and thorough, taking her time to explore every fold and crevice with her tongue. Kate wants to map out her lover's most sensitive spots.
Kate is vocal during oral sex, moaning and growling against her partner's flesh, letting them know how much she's enjoying herself.
She's happy to receive oral too, but giving is definitely her preferred role. There's nothing Kate loves more than seeing her partner come undone because of her mouth.
P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
Kate is versatile in her pacing, depending on her mood and what you need. She can be slow and sensual or fast and rough.
In general, Kate tends to start slow and build intensity. She loves to draw out the anticipation before unleashing the full force of her passion.
Kate pays attention to your responses and adjusts her pace accordingly. She wants to make sure you’re always on the same page, chasing pleasure together.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
Morning quickies before practices are a speciality of Kate's. She'll wake you up with a heated kiss.
R = Risk (Are they game to experiment?) Do they take risks? etc.)
Kate is always game to experiment and try new things in the bedroom.
She always prioritises safety and consent. She won't do anything that could seriously harm herself or her partner.
S = Stamina How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?
Kate has impressive stamina, thanks to years of athletic training. She can go multiple rounds in a single session.
Kate's stamina is one of her proudest assets. She takes great joy in outlasting her partner and leaving them spent and satisfied.
T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
With her partner, Kate most enjoys using the strap-on. She revels in the power dynamic, the control, the way it allows her to penetrate and dominate.
Kate also likes using toys to tease her partner, trailing a vibrator along their most sensitive spots until they're writhing with need. She'll edge them mercilessly, keeping them on the brink.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
Kate loves to tease her partner, both in and out of the bedroom.
In public, Kate might "accidentally" brush her hand against her partner's ass or trace patterns on their skin through their clothes. Subtle touches that only they would notice.
If her partner is wearing something particularly enticing, Kate will definitely let them know how badly she wants to rip it off. She'll make her desire known, even if she has to wait to act on it.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
Kate is quite vocal during sex, especially when she's really turned on. She's not shy about expressing her pleasure.
Some of Kate's signature sounds include moans and gasps, growing louder and higher pitched as she gets closer to orgasm. Growls and grunts when she's being particularly rough or dominant, Breathy, drawn-out "Oh fucks" and "Yeses" to encourage her partner, Whimpers and whines when she's being edged or teased
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
secret love for cheesy romcoms and will stay up late watching them with you
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
🐱obviously
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
high sex drive because of her athleticism but will slow down during the season
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
Kate is prone to falling asleep quickly after sex, especially if it was particularly intense.
If she doesn’t fall asleep afterwards, she’ll watch a movie with you to carry her to bed.
#kate martin#kate martin x reader#wnba x reader#kate martin x you#kate martin smut#kate martin fanfic#kate martin fic
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hii wanted to ask if you could do first time having sex w yushi ! i honestly feel he’d be gentle and loving from the way you write but i’d like to see it in your writing style bcs i love it sm <3
helloo~
wow does this give me ideas 🫣 i totally see him being soft and gentle in his demeanor towards you in bed with his overall cautious and attentive nature. the way he babies and comforts sakuya sometimes and the small acts of service he does for sion makes me think he would be so tender and quite chivalrous almost? like being mindful of when the blankets/sheets fall away in case you get cold, holding your hands when you need reassurance, and just making you feel safe and cared for throughout the experience, regardless if its his first time too. but i think even under all of that, he has a needy side and is not one to deny himself of his more primal desires. i also am confident that he's a touchy-feely-grabby kind of guy;;;
like imagine he goes on tour not too long after you guys start dating, so you haven't had a lot of time to get completely comfortable with each other, physically and emotionally. but on the night of ur reunion, he's just so overcome by his longing for you and all the thoughts he had of you while he was away. the images he pictured in his head when he was in bed in his hotel room were downright shameful and he felt bad, really, but he was lonely and you're just so beautiful.
you guys would be cuddling and caressing each others arms, back, face, whatever was closest because the need for physical touch was so strong, as you catch each other up on what was missed. but you'd feel yushi's hands start to slowly wander, from the small of your back to your waist, your hips, and then down to your thighs as he rubs circles into the flesh. even though you guys had never really gone that far yet, you knew what his actions were trying to signal and you just missed him so much that you were reluctant to delay anything even further.
yushi would nuzzle his face in between your jaw and shoulders, letting his breath warm the sensitive skin of your neck as he tries furtively to act like he's just snuggling real close to you, but his fingers are subtly tugging on the waistband of your sleep shorts.
his lips on your neck go from letting out small puffs of hot air to nibbling and sucking on the soft skin; the natural, unique taste of you already making him lightheaded with desire, the anticipation of what may come making him desperate and impatient for more.
his fingers that were curled around the waistband of your shorts have abandoned their original goal and are now climbing up your midriff and sliding under your shirt. they stop at the crease where your breasts meet your torso and his fingertips feel like they were dipped in burning candle wax, leaving invisible marks in their wake.
"y/n... can i? please?" he says, his voice quiet, but with enough gravelly desperation that it makes him sound pleading almost. you don't answer, for a lack of coherent words or the little faith you had in yourself to not submit blindly to the temptation. you're not even completely aware of what exactly yushi was asking permission for, and the thought of someone catching sight of you two, how quickly things had escalated, was enough to have you glowing with retrospective embarrassment.
but none of that matters, in the small room that now smells distinctively of want and desire, and feels like someone had lit a fireplace underneath.
you give a tentative nod, the movement almost imperceptible, but to yushi it feels like an answer to his prayers as he collects the material of your t-shirt and bunches it up under your collarbone, exposing your breasts to his awaiting mouth. without loosing a second to spare, he ducks his head down to wrap his lips around one of your stiff nipples, sucking and licking broad strokes on the sensitive tip. one of his hands is back to squeezing your upper thighs, while the other cups your other breast, his tongue now running along the underside, kissing and sucking the skin, making you gasp and whine at the unexpected sensitivity.
you tug on the sleeve of his shirt, signaling to him that you need desperately to kiss him, if not in an attempt to cover up the sounds spilling out of your mouth. it takes a few tugs to get him to latch off, a low grumble echoing in his chest at being interrupted from what he thinks he could do forever, but he meets your eager lips with just as much enthusiasm.
he gently lowers his body onto yours, still mindful not to crush you with his weight and he fits his thigh in between your legs. the movement allows for contact between your core and the muscular expanse of his thigh, and yushi groans at the back of his throat at the feeling of the warm, damp cotton of your sleep shorts.
"wh-what's gotten into you?" you breathe out into his open mouth, in between the sloppy kisses he gives you, the wet, smacking noises surrounding the two of you. you don't mind the sudden neediness, feeling almost overwhelmed by such love and want. yushi doesn't answer, opting instead to pull his shirt off by the back of the collar before leaning down again, his pupils dilated and darkened by lust.
you press a hand against his bare chest, stopping him from coming any closer. "yushi, i need a breather," you let out firmly, blowing a strand of hair out of your eyes.
he visibly softens, the greedy look in his eyes now replaced by his usual warm and fond gaze. moving slowly, so as not to startle you, he tucks the strand of hair behind your ear, rubbing his thumb across your cheek. "i'm sorry, baby. for getting carried away," he mumbles, his words laced with a touch of sheepishness as if he couldn't believe himself. he presses a sweet peck on the skin below your ear, trailing more under your jaw, back to where everything had started, but this time he's much slower, taking the time to write out his devotion with his lips.
"you look so beautiful tonight," he whispers, making you squirm and hide your face in the pillow. "just tonight? so i'm ugly the rest of the time?" you tease, peeking one eye back open.
"don't be a brat," he says with a laugh, pinching the soft skin of your stomach in retaliation. you jump, reaching out to slap him on the chest, but yushi catches your wrist before you can make contact and wraps your arm around his shoulders. he leans down again, the movement all too familiar on this night, and the butterflies in your stomach kick into drive again. "now where was i..." he mutters, unable to conceal the smile on his face as he lowers himself towards your lips and you're more than ready to meet him halfway this time.
ahhh i wasn't quite ready to write full out smut yet (emphasis on yet) and i had this one in my drafts for quite some time so i just wanted to get it out heheh i kinda got carried away with needy yushi, but its honestly one of my favorite characterizations of him (one that i think im 100% correct on;;;;) anyway some of my wish writer friends have already gotten a head start on wish hard thoughts (check out this one by the lovely @yushi-ni !) and i wanted to catch up >:]
#anon i'm sorry for keeping you waiting ㅠㅠ#this was way more fun to write than i expected#yushiteruasks#nct wish scenarios#yushi scenarios#nct wish hard thoughts#nct wish hard hours#nct wish x reader#nct wish yushi#nct hard hours#nct hard thoughts#nct scenarios#yushi x reader
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even glancing at stuff in trimax volume 10 sent my gut wrenching & i had to flip away from it fucking Quick but the volumes after that sent me fucking wild
i think im gonna reread all the stuff post-volume 10 again. probably necessarily considering i read all of it on like no sleep after an inadvisable all nighter & trigun binge which Included me reading volume 10 and fucking bawling my eyes out 5 times
yea. i missed some things. also i just rly fucking love this part of the story so Yea
also just. look at him. Look at him. this is one of my favorite fuckign panels. i need to experience this agan. i need it sooo fucking badly
im gonna reread it. soon.
#speculation nation#trigun spoilers/#itnl shit#it's also like. itnl vash is late trimax vash sent back in time. THIS is the vash i need to be paying most attention to for characterizatio#though he's already picked up more experiences. he's a little different from back then. a lil mellowed out yet a little Not#the pressure of everything has certainly changed him. and so did 4.5 years of solitude.#not like it had a massive change on him. but it was still time he spent thinking and thinking and thinking#time spent grieving and planning and dreaming. so much fucking time.#so yeah he Is a little different than he is in late trimax. and he will Continue to change.#bc that's how it goes when you experience things.#man... late trimax vash feels so... aching. to me. he's just fucking Aching. his every smile looks so sad.#and of course. of Course. this is immediately after Everything. and he's just trying to push himself on. focus on his purpose#if given time to think and grieve... what would things be like? what would it be like if he had to process all of this Alone?#that's what itnl is. a vash that was beginning to change but Because Of Circumstances he went back into his shell#struggles to depend on anyone bc it feels like there's no one he Can depend on for this. not truly.#he's leaning on Luida now for logistics and help with his plans. but Emotional help? he doesnt fucking have that#gonna have to relearn leaning on people. Yeah . yeah...#im having a lot of Vash Thoughts tonight. help
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A belief in Nominative Determinsim
#mira & isa sitting at the other side of the room: oh that cannot be a healthy rationalisation. someone should deconstruct that QUICKLY...#change's strongest soldiers VERSUS one guy echo chambering themselves about a susperstition-based retributive model of the world. GO!!!#isat spoilers#isat#isat fanart#isat siffrin#isat loop#sifloop#sloops#in stars and time#in stars and time fanart#lucabyteart#hey look now. this is softer than usual isnt it? ignore the. ignore the subtle damnation of blame unto the self. its fine. theyre fine#this is in fact a slight adaptation of that headcanon of mine i linked! yep! turns out the way to comic-ise it was to. make it like#90% speech bubble and get kinda weird with the formatting. it's clunky and experimental but hey. im experimenting.#the next ones gonna have even more fucking speech bubbles if it goes how im planning. christ#then its gonna get followed up with something wordless so. all things in perfect balance.#DISCLAIMER: i like to write loop and siffrin displaying the maybe not so great logic-holes their seeming fear of 'retribution for not#sticking to (the script) what the universe intends for them' entails. i do not agree with their weird philosophising.#i in fact think this is . bad for them. and am exploring how fucking unhealthy their mindset seems to be even when 'mundane'#OCD siffrin real as hell whats with the doing arbitrary actions in specific ways lest Something Nebulously Bad Happen little dude?#anyway if you caught the extremely blunt symbolism of kissing a hand with a knife in it you win a prize! it's called self-satisfaction 🎉🎉#hmm. do people realise i kept calling this type of back and forth between siffrin and loop a socratic dialogue bc socrates was also just#arguing with himself? like he was just making up the other guys. complete thought experiment. i also call them that because theyre WORDY!!!
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“if she doesn't want to be called dude i won't call her that” - you are assuming you and your friends read as people trans women feel safe enough to speak up to, while already demonstrating you don't take other people seriously enough.
Your habit and lack of self restraint/awareness matter more than common sense i guess. Like i would never call a transmasc “girl” because that would seem like obvious misgendering, but it's different for trans women apparently.
#see now#as a black person dealing w white people bullshit i understand the hesitation to Speak Up when u are the minority in the room#it's a roll of the dice and you never know how it's gonna go. will they listen? will they double down? will everyone turn against you?#every person you need to confront has the potential to blow up on you and for the situation to get blown out of proportion#but in a way that goes back to it being your fault for speaking up and ruining everything to begin with.#and when i see y'all say shit like “well im gonna keep calling trans women dudes unless they specifically ask me to stop”#i always think about that in comparison. y'all are putting trans women in this position over and over again and acting like#there isn't a glaring power dynamic that would reasonably make a lot of trans women choose to bite their tongues and#take it especially IRL. the thing too is i don't even mind it Myself but the way that y'all insist on doing it despite so many#trans women asking you not to repeatedly is so 😐 the power dynamic thing seemed obvious to me but maybe most of#y'all in the “dude is gender neutral camp” are white lol. y'all REALLY need to do better#lol now I'm thinking more about my irl experience and maybe it's been significantly less annoying bc i surround myself w poc
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the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.
#blue chatter#just. the experience of blinking into existence becoming associated with ice in my mouth#and how it’s becoming a pattern that the first visual thing I process is a hand in front of my face#At least that I remember. I’m sure other stuff happens but my memory is unsurprisingly v blurry after#I feel bad for making my roommate take care of me so often#but I super cannot control when I dissociate#and I do genuinely need the help#bc today I was home alone and it took a loooooot longer to break out of the blurry stage#I somehow didn’t think to get ice about it until I was in the middle of the grocery store an hour after the episode had ended#I want to be more independent about this so people don’t have to take care of me all the time#it is relieving to know that I can live with friends after grad school#so *someone* can be around usually if something goes wrong and I’m not cognizant enough to help myself#but I don’t wanna make them feel like they have to help me or put that on them#or like. freak out their kids. their kids are not raised remotely like I was and they’re rly young so they don’t rly understand this.#how do you explain trauma to a three year old whose parents are incredibly good at gentle parenting#idk. I’ll figure it out. hopefully with time and therapy I’ll be able to process my trauma enough that I won’t be like this forever.#I don’t wanna be like this forever.#I want to go to grad school and start practicing in clinical psychology and help people#and be independent and be able to support my friends instead of the other way around
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we are so fucking back. despite intending to go into vlr/ztd spoiler free i could not handle it anymore and ended up spoiling myself on a few things (...not everything bc its Mostly just related to characters I care abt and im gonna try and gaslight myself into pretending I didn't see it anyway).
but oh my fucking god clocking phi as transfem in the first hour of vlr was some incredible foresight because she is even more transgender than I thought
original post here if anyone wants to see it or my additional reblog but god. im crazy
#trevor.txt#okay obviously i know how this conversation goes later and it's about phi actually having red hair but dying it#but something about the phrasing of it all is kind of. Okay#plus she specifically says she dyes it white because she doesn't like how it looks red#and plus the framing of the character models - from a filming perspective Even Tjough They Are Kind Of Ugly makes it sound like she's going#to reveal something much bigger than just I Dye My Hair Guys. maybe thats part of the joke but like. stick with me here#also it is kind of a stereotype to be like trans = dying your hair but i did. mine's dyed partially blue. i know SEVERAL other trans people#who have or want to dye theirs#^ which is kind of just a funny concidence but also like. has a lot to do with your sense of identity too? cutting/dying your hair for a lo#of trans people is kind of like. a huge part of transitioning or whatever. if this makes any sense because i sound somewhat crazy here? but#it def plays into gender euphoria/dysphoria commonly#in regards to the second point: kind of a weird trope i've seen a few times but when you view it through a transfem lens#it comes across as a gender dysphoria thing a bit#i would know from my own experiences. like it's obviously kind of the other way around bc im a trans Guy but like...#and then the last image. okay man. this was in the trivia section for ztd.#i don't even think i have to explain that one#anyways i sound a bit crazy with this but like. does anyone understand me. do you get it.#zero escape#zero escape phi#zero time dilemma#ztd#phiposting
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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.
#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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christ it hits me a lot how shit I was treated by lull and how much I thought that was normal. Lev set up a study room in my house, and... he said I can come in because I was sort of obviously asking the question without even knowing I was asking, like I wanted to ask the question but knew it'd be a no. Why did I know itd be a no? Well a study space is a serious space for actual academic and general people who do work to use, full of books and journals that both aren't my business and will be easily messed up if I touch them, and there's no reason for me to be in there anyway because I don't do work, a study is only a space for normal people and not people who mess everything up and - how do i know this? Oh I mean because lull - yeah
#It drives me up the wall how lull constantly pulled ''Black is abusive and that's why I'm fucked up and if he tells me off it's actually#abuse'' when like. Lull was out there hunting down Black's lives and Black just goes ''oh fuck I trust you idk why you'd lie about#something serious like that I guess I AM abusive'' lull is the abuse in the room with us now. or is it that I touched your books#and messed up the cleanliness of the desk and now you're having a minor breakdown because I ruined your image in front of others#It was literally just a fucking cover because lull did fucked up things and when Black went hold on. Did you do that? Lull would be like#No and you're so fucking mean to me you're horrible you're fucking abusive you're controlling you're -#One of us is here trying to live and give you both space and everything we have. The other one... Is trying to literally get in bed#and marry unknowing unawakened lives of the other before they can wake up to who they are and grooming and manipulating#and fucking them up. Bruh. You wouldn't let me do things like be an equal to you and go near you stuff without mental punishment#and I said oh god OK I'm sorry. I won't do that. And yet somehow I'm abusive and controlling and... I mean I said it already that was a#cover. it wasn't meant to make sense lmfao it was a specific tactic tailor made for us like all the tactics are tailor made for each victim#But anyway. Seriously. I'm scared to go into Lev's study. I'm standing in here anyway bc I need to get over it but like#It's wild to me - oh. I was sitting asking why I'm so trained about not going near his study like ''man why this though why#was this such a bad thing to do when it's not that serious'' because /all his fucking notes and diaries and records of the fucked up shit#he was up to/. I wasn't allowed to see his books and records on manipulation#The fuckin Dossiers he kept detailing specific manipulation tactics and experiments done on people's results and shit#I wasn't allowed to see all the papers and shit he had on psychological torture and shit#Bruh. It always makes sense in the fucking end doesn't it#ramblings //#astral diary //#Diary //
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transfem furries hornyposting online about the relatively niche/"out there" things they're into have inadvertently helped me accept myself more than the body positivity movement of the 2010s ever did
#this will not be rebloggable because i don't want people to get transmisogynistic in the notes#it's just something i've been thinking about lately#i hope i'm not like out of line for saying this please let me know if i say anything disrespectful#i just have a lot of love in my heart for transfems; especially those who log on to this website to be gay on my dash and do their thing#trans wlw being proud of their identities helped me come to terms with my own in a way. idk how to properly explain it but#idk. our experiences are very different - you have to fight to be seen as a woman and i have to fight not to#(though that is part of my identity in most cases people would use it to negate the rest)#(and of course none of us should Have to fight that but. i hope it's clear what i mean lol)#and idk like. womanhood is not achieved painlessly for you and yet so many of you embrace it so beautifully and in so many ways#it makes me want to accept that part of myself i thought i had to kill for so long#i am not entirely a woman but i love being a woman and loving other women-#platonically romantically sexually it doesn't matter#i'm so grateful i get to share a community with you all and read/hear/watch your thoughts and experiences and such#which goes beyond sex stuff but sex stuff is a particular personal struggle of mine and it's something i've been trying to cultivate a more#healthy relationship to lately. and i also know that unfortunately transfems get treated even worse than everyone else when it comes to#kinks or whatever. i don't mean to imply that everyone has to be open about that stuff. i just mean that i'm grateful for those who bravely#and proudly are. anyway i'm losing my train of thought bc i'm packing for a trip and i'm a little scattered atm but the point is#transfem wlw i love you dearly thank you for existing#[oh also this post isn't meant to bash body positivity stuff and i know it's not all the same. it just often felt too sanitized and forced#for me to relate to. ok bye]#finielspeaks
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i have beef with the concept of data in kh but anytime i see someone talk shit about it i get so mad
#its the petty#i am a recoded defender#grabbing people by the shoulders like you know not everything has to advance the main plot right?#you know kh is mostly abt the characters and the plot is incidental right?#you know kh is a coming of age story right?#its like#the parallels between the choice sora makes in com and coded regarding forgetting shit#like yes data sora is inherently different with different experiences but it accentuates what real sora didnt have in castle oblivion#im not saying the choice he made to get his okd memories back was wrong#but the choice and reactions data sora has both tells you that this is what real sora needed in castle oblivion#like the connections and faith that others would catch him when he falls#and it also tells you in neon lights that despite literally everyone going yeah real sora will be fine when this happens to him#despite everyone thinking that it blares it in your ear that no real sora actually wont. BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD THAT#real sora DOESNT know that people will catch him when he falls#bro literally tripped and fell in ddd and got lowkey shamed for it#its why the end of kh3 happens#hes got this idea of doing things himself like. he didnt even wuestion going to fight xehanort on his own in the end#and was surpsied and touched when donald and goofy joined him. like he knows he has connections but he also dorsnt know do you understand me#i need kh4 to be the lonliest game in the fucking world#THIS IS ABOUT DATA right so like. coded is soooo important its so important#and while yes it is tedious bc it goes through kh1 AGAIN and like twice even w castle oblivion#thats what the cutscene movie is for...............#people forget that the main plot isnt the keyblades and the fight between light and dark#the plot is literally sora#soras the main character and its about him and the keyblade shit is like#secondary#its the main story but the story is really at its corr about sora#idk. i do have beef with the concept of data mostly bc i have to actively think abt it to make it make sense#but it DOES make sense like i do understand how it works i just need to think abt it for a little bit first#its not as intuitive as everything else and i think thats ehy everyome makes fun of it for being so weird like shut up and open your mind
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nothing more relaxing than like acting out a play in my room alone
#idk what it is about walking around in someone else's trauma for a little while but it just takes the pressure out#maybe it's bc it's easy 2 get a handle on it bc it hasn't happened 2 you. it gives u a sense of detached mastery that you don't have#over your own life#like you're analyzing + focused on convincing in your portrayal of something. + u can also change the performance to make it#more believable or impactful too. there's that control over the words‚ the implied experiences‚ and then also the superficial thoughts#that war with the words + give a sense of direction#it's like... so freeing to be able to control all those things in someone else's trauma#cause like when awful things are happening in my life i can't change my point of view. i'm stuck with the thoughts that i have#+ the sympathies that i have + the shame i have + if something really important to me goes wrong then i can't control what i think#or feel. no matter how hard i try the outcome can't change. but acting like someone else + piecing their emotions together#just gives me back that sense of control.#i've been walking around for a while afraid that everyone could see my surface-level thoughts on my face + that they were being#misinterpreted. proving to myself that i can control those thoughts is good on one hand + bad on the other where i then#lose confidence in my authentic self's ability to walk around in the world. i guess i'll have 2 think about it some more.#i was figuring things out a bit in my own way. i think i'd still prefer that lol.#also when i think about my worst moments‚ they're rough for years because i wasn't able to be authentic at all. and all that was#punished in ways that were traumatic. i don't really want these bad moments to define my life so maybe it's better to just take these#experiences on the chin + let the terror inside of me exist‚ palatable or not
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terribly sorry for progressively getting more and more annoyed and tired with jn. this show kinda gets a lot more exhausting on a rewatch when you know its not going to get better
#i think what happened when it was airing was that like. it was the direct successor to sun and moon right?#and that was a show EVERYONE shat on when it got revealed. the setting the art change the shift to a goofier style etc etc#but then it aired and aside from some hiccups while adjusting the first few eps- sm turned out to be a joy of a show#not just for a casual watch- you can tune on most episodes without context and just have a pleasant time bc its a cozy show#but also if youre more into the battle scene bc this series kinda goes hard on them#and while the episodes had a goofier tone to them the episodes never felt like they were talking down to its audience#everyone brings up the deaths and how maturely they were handled but seriously- they didnt need to go that hard on the minior episode#and yet- it took fans a long time to really come around to it and stop giving it bad faith criticism#the most popular youtubers were finding every excuse to shit on it and mock the fans#so i think when jn was announced with another slight art shift and a different format- i think we all got a little defensive over it#like hey sm had hiccups too! jn just needs some time to grow into itself and find its footing#and we had no reason to think it wouldn’t. like there were some red flags like how mimey was handled and some clickbait episodes#but we got genuinely nice episodes back then too! the scorbunny eps were neat and ash and gohs intro eps are great#the pichu opening is REALLY strong and i thought it showed a ton of promise for the show#the leon and eternatus stuff was being set up#so i waited for jn to pick up and waved off a lot of criticism as bad faith bc hey. ppl were ruthless to sm and forgetting that we do have t#to work with the limit that its a childrens series. which is fine.#but well…… suddenly we’re in the final arc and its not better. its worse. holy shit did it get worse#episodes like the drizzile one were now the exception. not the rule.#most episodes that are pleasant on a first watch became an absolute slog on a rewatch#the ‘’fanservice’’ feels more like a marketing ploy than an attempt to respect the characters. the production value was a goddamn mess.#entire arcs went unresolved#so it gave me rose tinted glasses until it all fell apart at once for me at the end#but now i have the joyful experience of watching the whole thing through knowing damn good and well it gets worse. yay#echoed voice#jn lb
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first off thats MY screenshot
second, this is no surprise since these sites are always garbage, but this boy is not isfp hes neither anxious nor creative enough. theres no hyperawareness or self expression going on. maybe esfp but hes not fun enough. i would bet closer to esfj bc hes pretty much just vibing. he likes life at the stables and doesnt have a strong core fighting for anything. being a natural horsewhisperer could be a Fe type of trait?
third, fully believe his enneagram is XwX or possibly UwU
#also if anyone goes 'ew mbti' sry but stop assuming how other ppl use things and how much rationality goes into it#yes mbti gets used wrong a lot but that doesnt mean everyone who uses it uses it wrong. its just a tool for analysis#annoys me when ppl completely disregard all the study and analytical aspects of personality analysis and pretend its all -#some pseudo horoscope bullshit just bc u had bad experiences with ppl misusing personality analysis before#and no its not 'labelling' anymore than saying 'you have brown hair' is labelling#my personality is indeed an aspect of who i am and how i was born and it helps me to understand myself and others#i use personality analysis tools in order to better understand why other ppl are so fucking weird compared to my own brain#the same way it helps to know that im ND!
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having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.
#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el#i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any#dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe#like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it#idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about#literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own.#and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god#and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.)#but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems#or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like#get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days.#and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus#is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways.#idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess#i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives.#what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it#sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY !#i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!!#and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!!#WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT#.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!!#.txt#and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that.#in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL#<3
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